Mastering Your Lady: The Psycho Barrier

In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:

“The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so (…) temperamental.”

In 2011, my Doris finds herself sometimes hit by the “psychic barrier.” How’s that, the “psychic barrier?” Something to do with frigidity, with unaccustomed and scared young ladies? Well, maybe, but Doris plays in porns (romantic porns, as she coined them) and lives in a stable monogamous relationship for over two decades. She’s still hitting the “psychic barrier” from time to time.

Case in point: a happy morning, my little Don frantically follows Doris, like an insider. She’s happily calling him, laughing and giggling. All runs perfectly, from my animal point of view. Once of a sudden, her eyes slide errant… She’s thinking. Oh my! Little Don feels lost there inside, no muscle welcoming him anymore. Or should it be the changing flux of pheromones?

Anyway, I’m asking Doris with my other head:

-You start thinking, ain’t ya?

She shyly blinks in agreement.

-What about?

-Thought it’s too cold today. Don’t want twins getting a cold at school. Are they properly dressed?

-Think they are. Since you dressed them same as yesterday, when the weather was same as today. D’oh… Can we resume?

-Sure, go on! –she’s trying to focus out of her casual thinking distraction.

Easy to say, harder to do. Now my brains having to send a set of instructions down the spine to the little one: RESUME! But the little one is not an educated head. He’s scared of the thinking target, he feels somehow lost in there.

According to the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D., the “management system” of the vagina is temperamental or:

“Subject to changing and unpredictable emotional states; moody, capricious; sometimes used figuratively to describe user-unfriendly or unstable machines or software that are either complicated and/or have poorly written instructions and are subsequently  difficult to operate.” —

You can figure that most ladies won’t consider their “management system” as temperamental. They’d rather note how delicate and sensitive they are and how brutal  senseless “pigs” we are.

Thanks God I am blessed with Doris. She pushed me to write this blog post. And backs up my proposed list of psychic barriers. Let’s begin with the most commonly encountered points on this list:

1. The children. Any mother is first a dino and last a MILF (the modern version of the metaphorical dino is also known as the brood hen). This is old news because the natural instinct works this way. Go study the animals, the mammals to be more specific, and notice how the lioness is always there for her cubs, protecting them from any external interference, even from the lion who fathered them. That’s why a lion gathers himself more than one female, but we’ll leave this for another blog. So, no matter what, a true mother will think mostly of her children. The connection between the mom and her babies is stronger than the connection with her man. Once we, the men, figure this simple natural aspect out, then we’re the happy ones they used to call “family heads.”

2. The gossip. A lady will appreciate, or fear –to exaggerated values– anything –of null value– that comes from the street chatter, the coffee chitchat, whatever nonsense hearsay. All this noise, discarded by men, not even hearing “the facts,” becomes a monstrous haunting specter in the minds of women. If they don’t indulge into it, then they suffer out of it.

3. Health concerns, real or imaginary. Well, that’s also a man thing, or should I say more of a man thing?!

4. The mother, hers.

5. The career, hers again.

6. Yet another gazillion factors, of more or less noticeable value, are adding up to this list. Because, in fact, the list is infinite. No doctor, no scientist, is in a position to claim the achievement of a complete taxonomy of the female “psychic barrier” items. Causes are infinite and same are the reasons her mind will casually stumble upon and each of these, my friend, is called yet another “psychic barrier.”

Do you want to master your lady? How should you proceed then?

You have to become her psychologist.

As a psychologist, you know that around 90 percent of what your patient is rambling is just dishwater: nothing of interest yet necessarily having to spool out or else the sink will stink. And your patient will definitely turn into the terrible kitchen tiger or that dreaded home dragon.

But, hidden amongst the avalanche of nonsense, you’ll discover few points indicating where her problems are. She may not have a clue about the real problems, since she’s having so many… But you, as her best listener, you are most likely to get the clues, to figure out which issue is coming top of her list, which second and so on. Don’t waste time hoping to finalize this list because it’s endless. Just gently deal with one, or two, issues at a time. From top down.

Do not scholarly jump at her with solutions. It won’t work! Just listen. Help yourself with lots of patience, this is your best ally: PATIENCE.

In time, noticing that you are always there for her, she’s gonna finally figure out the voluntary effort you’re performing, like a gladiator. Only for her! Therefore her hesitant love for you will gradually consolidate to adoration. This is a long process. She will ask you questions you expect to hear, or questions that will surprise you. Be honest when she asks you something like:

-How can you endure listening to all my nonsense?

Hug her with a smile and tell her:

-It’s an effort I’m making for you. Because you deserve any effort I can make. Because I love you and it’s no big deal sacrificing my _____ (fill in with: soccer match, beer with pals, computer games, name something she knows you care about) time for you. I hope you want to hear an opinion or two, so I sit and listen first, if you don’t mind.

This should melt her. Repeating this will eventually wet her!

Oh yes, don’t hesitate to ask for her advice once in a while. Helps her with building self respect. And whenever she’s asking for your opinion, try to “guess” her most daunting problem, the top of her “psychic barrier” list. Don’t ever argue with her, just serve her the balls. All she needs from you is COMFORT! Once she gets it, you’ll see it coming back to you, in ways my little Don loves to delve in. He’s the Insider.

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