Marriage and Competition

For this August, we were planning (among many) to write more about our wedding (Doris) and to craft more artistic ideas on nude Doris photos (me). But life does not always follow our planning, eh? Events just stumble upon, keeping us busy day after day. And we stumble back on them, once in a while.

Here’s the rant of the day: the competitive mindset in marriage. Will give you the polished and polite resource at the end of my post. Through that article you’ll read about the intellectual approach to the contradiction between marriage and competition. Before that, let me give you a couple rough examples from real life. Not much thought through, more of a throw away. On we go.

The Man Behind a Mask

A fictional character (believe me, there’s more than one real man in his shoes) struggles with his third marriage. He has a history of being left by wives and girlfriends. A sad story, I can tell. His social status makes him attractive to newcomers. This gives him the leverage, or the privilege, to select his preferred lady from a set of pretenders. All the time. Yes, it’s refreshing and comfy for a man to make his pick. He can look for younger flesh when time comes for a refresh. It’s like running your own casting show. But is that living or just acting? This the crucial question.

The competitive man is an actor. Instead of being himself, of relating on his strengths while admitting his weaknesses, he keeps acting like an instance. No man (but One) is an instance. So why pretend to be, why act when you can just enjoy living, and loving?

I forgot to mention, this fictional character, the actor-man, he’s not willing to cheat on his (new) wife. He’s no jerk, not rude and definitely not a brute. He desperately needs his family, his babies, his nest to care about. He’s focused on perfecting his (new) marriage. Maybe he’s so focused that he can’t let go.

Experience proves, once again, that you can’t have a by-the-letter rigorous marriage that will be a happy one at the same time, and even less a lasting one. The remedy is simple, like all good solutions. When you take your clothes off then you should take your mask off of your face, and mind, and heart. Give yourself and open your soul to your mate. Let her see (and judge for herself) your weak points. Even Achilles had at least one.

The Man Who Won’t Give a Damn

Another fictional character (coincidentally, there are lots of men like this one in real life) is a friend of mine, married for almost 20 years. His one wife and two grown-up kids love and cherish him, in spite of his many imperfections.

Because of the nature of his numerous businesses, this man worked and travelled from the South China Sea to Gibraltar. Months in a row he was away from his family. He always returned with a smile on his face and a present at hand. He is in love with his wife and needs no acting to demonstrate this to her. His honesty in speech and gesture is more than enough. He casually went to hookers during his trips as he had to cool down his body. His wife knows. He told her, like he’s telling everything to her. No hurt feelings. He needs not to prove his love for her in chosen words and subtle insinuations. She feels his love and genuine attachment to her and the family, in spite of all the rightfully despising (and so typical) man-stuff. (Well, I guess I’m too addicted to the net because I’m fine with looking at hookers inside the screen. Am I a virtual-man then?)

Notice the contradiction here? The man with a mask, and a perfectionist mind, has trouble keeping his successive marriages alive. He’s set on a competing path and that brings bad emotions in marriage. Because ladies (hell more competitive than men) don’t seek for more rules and rigid targets in their own marriage. On the other hand, the natural man, admitting his failures on a whim, happy and joyful, always honest and caring, this is a TRUE man to his wife. He wins regardless if he comes a bit drunk at night (once in a while), or if he carried some fists in front of the pub, or if he stopped by a hooker when in another land.

She loves him for who he is and not for who he wants to be.

And here comes the intellectual, processed, resource explaining the contradiction between love and competition in marriage.


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