An overwhelming number of wives may disagree with my opinion and probably with my choice of posing nude. I can perfectly understand. Sometimes I sit and think why on earth am I posing? Why do I allow naked pictures of me on the net after all? Yes, the soul of a woman never follows a straight line, a firm direction. To be true till the end, not even the soul of a man can’t stand much on the unabated straight line…
But the bottom line (I think) is that what goes for me is not necessarily going for you, and what works for you will not immediately work for me. People are different and take their freedom in various ways. And it’s good when you know to respect that.
Is this why I don’t dare more in my poses? Not sure about that, because the internet is the most optional field known to man (and woman!). But then, how can I answer Don’s question “C’mon bunny, open up a bit more. Be confident! You look gorgeous!”
Mhh.. Yes, wish I looked gorgeous. But do I?
He then shows me the pics and sometimes I feel content about how I look. But some other times, I don’t…
It’s about my personal insecurities. This the problem I have to overcome. Many times I don’t feel safe. I’m worried about tomorrow, the kids, the future. And maybe more times I get worried about the past. How’s that? Water under the bridge, says Don, why worry? Not bad to think and analyse and learn from mistakes, not to repeat them. But being worried about the past? What a nonsense.
Still I feel I need to talk to him about why we didn’t do this or that yesterday, or the other year. And what if… And you know, things that make no sense in my head but I have to vent them out.
Do I exasperate my hubby with this talking? Seems so. Sunday I even saddened him with my bad moods… I’m so sorry. Why did I paid no attention? What if he had paid less attention to my bitching? It was again about the past. But he told me, later in the evening, that he thinks my fears for this new week (with changes to make and decisions to take), that my longing for the waning summer (even if the weather is still wonderful — he fixed me up with an outdoor photo shooting on Monday) and that the perspective of winter and skyrocketing gas bills, all these (he thinks) are the true underlayer for my “fears of the past.” He says that I talk nonsense about what’s gone only to hide my insecurities about what’s about to come.
Who knows, maybe he’s right, or maybe not.
What I can tell is that tearing my soul apart, between past and future, will always ruin the present. And the present is the most precious time of my life. Now finally, here shines the ray of hope in my blog.
After the short Sunday depression (by all means justifiable, sure) I said to myself that it’s not worth making my loved ones suffer, only because I’m worried about something. Who isn’t? So I locked my controller-in-chief helm aside. Kids can find their schools by themselves. Unfinished work can wait for another day… However, my greatest Nemesis remains cooking lunch for the entire family, because we don’t trust plastic food (and slow food is even slower to fix).
Besides this I decided to give Don more sex time. Maybe out of a guild feeling, I don’t know. But he didn’t grab my offer like a hungry puppy. He’s rather tasting me like a seasoned wine connoisseur. He gently allows me to ask and then I receive more than I expected in the first place. Now it’s me asking for sex every morning. It happens that I land on the wet sheets after two (or so) orgasms (acquired in about half an hour — because chores are always waiting for me).
These landing moments I feel safe!
My mind turned off, my brains drowned in the hormone frenzy. I think I really don’t feel anything on the emotional level. It’s like a reset button that Don knows how to press, making me forget about all worries.
When I was too fat and pregnant, I feared that Don will look around, at other women. Which he did. But he never hid it from me. On the contrary, all the time he showed me “that ass, those legs, the cute buttocks, what a hip, wow… look at her boobs!” Or “Look, do you think she’s wearing any panties at all?”
If your hubby talks this way with you then you’re a blessed woman. Don’t bitch but thank him. You’re his best friend. When we’re taking a walk, I end up pointing him butts, or legs, that he missed. Took me years to reach this mental stage. I think he masculinized me, or my mind, because he finds my curves to be very feminine.
This is how I gradually lost my prude shame, how I won’t resist him (too much) when asked to show up more, how I find moments when I simply don’t care if I’m naked in front of his camera.
The grand psychological effect on me is that I lost my insecurities. Sure they haunt back whenever I try to reason again. And that’s when he calls me unreasonable. Funny, eh?
The grand physical effect on me is that I feel good in my skin. Even if I suddenly shiver at normal noises that kids make all the time upstairs, like smashing doors or jumping on the floor.
What counts is that, in spite of all my come-and-go insecurities, I am confident and I feel safe with him.