One more week and we’ll take a break from our regular home-alone extrovert mornings. Wednesday we took the camera and the reindeer headband and ran upstairs to catch the sketchy rays of sunshine. Ensued a short but funny photo sitting, or jumping — because eventually I felt too good in my skin to just sit.
For many wives, posing nude is equivalent with pornography, and nude arts are identified with the mainstream porn industry (where one makes a living out of promiscuity), and a lap dance is considered adultery (well, at least that’s a physical closeup, however nothing personal, nor sentimental), or worse: a man staring at some breasts on the street “betrays” his wife. Well, I think there are more nuances to fidelity in marriage than this one-sided black and white perspective. And I find that our emotional intransigence is an extreme as damaging as prostitution itself. Jealousy, like envy, qualifies as a terrible sin. Being his exclusive partner is an art of charming and subtle submission. You won’t succeed if you try the “hard” way. This will unveil too much of your hidden insecurities. He’s gonna feel “trapped” in marriage. No one likes to live in a cage… Escape will become an option for him — this is the way how “prisoners” think!
I read on a great blog, related to healthy sex in marriage, about the Christian marriage and sexuality, the following questions:
“Why are so many women willing to take off their clothes and expose themselves in sexually titillating ways? After years and years of women fighting for the right to own property, to be educated, to vote, to garner some respect, etc., why would any woman willingly become an object of ogling to be picked up and discarded at will?”
I’m one of the many women willing to take off my clothes and expose myself in titillating ways. So please allow me to plead my personal case:
Am I doing this anywhere anyhow? Not at all (think those doing this are not so many, after all). I pose only in front of my photographer, who happens to be my hubby (for the past 25 years) and the father of my four children. I debate with him about photo editing and posting on this mydangspace.com blog of ours. I love him and I befriended him beyond the point of vulnerability. I find refuge in his arms, where I recharge my batteries (so I can survive all the blessed and boring chores assigned to any mother and housewife).
And because we share everything in our marriage, because we’re always together, I’m afraid that I don’t miss socializing too much. As an advocate of “the devil,” uhm, men, let me question the concept that any woman undressing in front of the camera is somehow, well, challenged in a condemnable way. Sure, abuse occurred to some, but not to me. Unstable family backgrounds caused gals to dump their affection fishing for “feelings” in the porn industry, but again not my case. Need for money? That was a short-lived option: to pose for money, but the net is anyway flooded with free nudity (and I’ll never do live chats) so I’m grateful we made it out without me having to pose for money. Connections to the industry? None, not the case. Attention? Yes! Glamour? No, we love the anonymity of our garden and we also like to hide behind a laptop with no camera attached to it.
For one, posing nude was not my idea. I had a career –and a good one– that I quit to raise my kids. I grew up in Central Europe, on the Eastern side of the Berlin Wall, so I’m quite versed in women’s rights political theories, because learning this was mandatory in school, and further on at the University, where I studied Law during the ’80s. With this precious professional luggage, I had no intention to willingly become an object of ogling… On the contrary, I was a feminist by formation.
But life and marriage, along with a decade-long experience of professing mainly as a divorce lawyer, taught me otherwise than the feminist lessons from school. And this “otherwise” is naturally seeded in the brains of men. Sure, we’re all altered by sin, men and women — remember that Eve was the one primarily chosen for seduction by the evil one.
It’s a platitude to say that men are visual when it comes to sex. But it’s maybe a new thing, dunno, to repeat what my man told me yesterday, and not for the first time: “Dear, a married man wants no other woman than his lovely bride. If you see him at the cat house, or watching porn, then he is a sad man in search for surrogates. True or not, he thinks that he lost his happiness at home! That’s because he can’t get enough from his wife, or because she gave him the boot out of sex in marriage.”
This is the basic reality of marriage: as his loving wife, I’m called to please my man, to be his friend, his companion, his lover, his role-player (because men’s minds slip now and then). And again: I must be his BEST friend — this means no secrets and practically no mental barriers between us. From this acquired position, I keep his mind focused on the essentials, not without allowing him the leeway of watching some freely available beautiful porn on the net (not all erotica is ugly, because human bodies are beautiful after all).
Being there for him, together with him, even when he’s watching porn, I see his fantasies and therefore I gain an understanding about how to gently kill them without injuring his personality (too much). Rampant fantasies should be killed, one way or another, before they grow into uncontrollable and destructive desires. Plus, if I really want to occupy the center of his attention, then I have to please him the way he desires, to fulfill his dreams with my charming presence and not to scare him away with my principles. Intimacy is about loving and giving, not about patronizing.
The logical succession eventually led me to pose nude for him. Well, it seems I placed no brakes on his desire for porn, no punishment? Why should I “punish” him? Because he loves me more than himself? Because he works hard to make a future for our kids? Because of some dusted political concepts taught to me in school before the demise of a catastrophic social experiment?
Today, I find that the internet gives us a comfortable way (and a pen name) to run an extroverted second life (venting the introverted regular one), writing in a language that’s not spoken in our country and therefore minimizing the chances of social prejudice. No one knows if you can escape the “harsh” judgement of the world but at least one can try to minimize it, right?
To wrap it up, besides my duties as a housewife (that eventually empowered me more than I could ever imagine), besides my explanations and excuses to honorable housewives 😉 (sometimes I feel ashamed to show myself, but I can fight it — with support!), there’s one major psychological burden that I release when posing nude: it makes me feel young and attractive, in spite of my age! I may indulge in this little escapade of “pride” and feel it more tasty than any coffee or hot chocolate… Strange as it sounds, posing nude acts like an anti-depressant and it helps building my self-esteem.
Call it midlife crisis and think for a moment: what if you can beat anything that your man has seen in his previous porn escapades? Yes, for us, women, there are other persons in porn, but for them, men, there are but images, characters, roles… imaginary “things.”
Think what if you can immunize him to such a degree that, in spite of watching whatever sleaze, he won’t be satisfied only when watching and loving you. Do you want to reduce his appetite for porn? Then make sure to increase his appetite for you!
I may say that it took me almost 20 years to understand this subversive philosophy of marriage. It takes complete openness and total honesty to begin with.
Going further with another realistic thought: excessively forbidden or insanely promoted — depending on the promiscuity or prudishness of various rulers and regimes — public nudity and sexually explicit graphics remained a constant throughout history. Prohibition on erotica isn’t going to work, the way prohibition on alcohol generated the reverse, undesired, effect. A propos, alcohol! Assuming that we keep some red wine in our house (a glass a day is even recommended by the doc), can we equate this with addiction to alcohol?
Should a loving wife, willing to please her hubby, posting some soft nudes on her blog, suffer a public disgrace similar to the one presumably directed towards the standard sex worker? But then, talking to the porn star, are we called to judge our brethren and sisters, or to rather understand or comfort their sorrows?
I see that there’s evil in the mainstream porn industry (actually there’s some evil in any industry) because I believe sex may heal only souls that love each other. And even if I firmly held my beliefs, these aren’t equally applying to everyone, because people are different, they come from various backgrounds and each is given an intimate way (with God Himself) to fight evil out of her (his) life.
Equality on the right is not much prettier than equality on the left. Leveling humans is inhumane. Instead of judging my neighbor if he behaves differently, I should love him (her) unconditionally. Can’t do that? I’ll move to another place, until I can. Life is already complicated enough for us to waste time crusading against the porn industry, or worse: equating domestic exhibitionism, or naturism, nudism, with mainstream porn.
Take that groovy glass of wine at lunch. It fills you with healthy bioflavonoids. The first glass is recommended, the second however not, because it will pour more alcohol than flavonoids in your system, doing you more harm than good. Same with everything in life: take it with a sense of measure.
Do you trust your hubby enough to ask him if he likes to watch porn? What if he says “yes” and begins to discharge his manly fantasies on you? This is no easy moment, trust me! (I’ve been there…) Do you trust yourself to open that much for him?
There’s a golden rule in marriage: DO NOT bring a third person in your bed! Think of porn like your man does: distant images, insulated by the internet, somewhere in a far away, unreachable, parallel universe.
Think positive! Be an extroverted housewife and watch him change. Supervise with all patience and diligence.