I’m 47 and on the verge of starting my 2nd marriage — doing this for couple of years but fearing and postponing the moment. My loved one is my age, divorced at her turn. When we have sex, I struggle too much, too long before getting her to a slow and questionable orgasm. She says that I’m cranky, badly perverted, that I decouple sex from love. All sorts of considerations that are hard to measure for me. It’s like I stare at a nebula and I can’t figure anything. I wish she told me what to do, solution oriented. But she won’t. If you have any tips that I can use to improve my sexual relationship, to get over my fears and marry her, because I love her, I’ll be happy to read your suggestions.
What happens to you is normal. She brings her baggage from her previous marriage in your relationship, and so do you. Refitting two souls in your late 40s is not the same as finding, or believing to find, your soul mate when in your early 20s. I suppose that none of you would go for bungee jumping anytime soon. Her caution prevents her body to open more to you and thus accepting your dirty old man’s mind, so to say. While your caution, or acquired sexual habits maybe, prevent you from treating her body like, for instance, an injured leg or arm of yours. Consider when/if you broke one of your limbs that you had to be more careful with it, after keeping it locked in plaster for six weeks or more. Her body, like your limb, had suffered one or more traumas before having the chance to meet you. She may be more fragile now than she was 20 years ago. What you need is patience and ears to listen (even if you’re not interested in all the mundane nonsense, pretend to be, just a little). Make sure to tell her, more than once, that all that counts if you giving her awesome and prolonged orgasms. This will put your needs, and your style of having sex, in the background. What counts is serving her, according to her needs. Masturbate her, go down on her, but not for a starter. Always begin with music, poetry, wine, long cuddling, nose-to-toes caressing and kissing, massage, etc. All the non explicit sexual touching. You may spend hours in this realm of wellness and spa. Sure, not what you’re dreaming at but this will “recouple sex back to love” in her mind. Don’t expect to see the results next morning, maybe not even next month. But exercise your patience on her, because you said that you love her — this is love: the practice of patience.
The end result: be her provider, her protector, her fitness trainer, her masseur and her lover — in this order. Make her want to depend on you, because otherwise she’s less likely to open up completely to you. Once she’s fully opened, physically and mentally, to you, it means that she “surrendered” and will accept all your dirty old man “perversions.”
Write back if you have more questions.