Question: Is There Any Way to Stop an Anchor from Enabling?
New psychological post by guest blogger Ruddy Adam.
Question: “Dearest Ruddy, I believe my aunt is the host of a powerful parasite and I believe he (her nephew) is a psychopath, because he has all the traits of one. Is there any way to help my aunt? I think you said there’s a difference between a ‘common enabler’ and an ‘Anchor.’ Is that correct? Can you tell us the difference? I mean, can Anchors change and what causes them to be so blind? Me and the rest of our family don’t get what my aunt is doing. He has screwed her out of at least two hundred thousand dollars, and she still will not stop although all of us have warned her about him. Can an aunt be an Anchor to a nephew, or is it only parents that can be Anchors? What should we do? We really appreciate your advice. Thank you for every article. We’ve loved the music too and the write ups with them.” Red Baron & family, SC
Answer: First, there is no hope for or changing an Anchor. They go to their graves enabling, and if possible they will enable the parasite hooked onto them from the grave.
Most all of us are common enablers, or at least have been at some time or the other. Or, will be at some time. I myself am included in that bunch. The big difference is that when common enablers realize what’s happening they quit. As soon as I found out I was enabling a drug addict a few years back, after having warned him when he came here not to use drugs, I ran him off—for good. There’s no coming back!
Anchors, on the other hand, no matter what they find out about the parasite latched onto them will not stop enabling. That parasite can lie, cheat, rob, and manipulate them, their friends, and/or other members of the family. They can hurt people physically and mentally right in front of an Anchor. It doesn’t matter. Some way or the other the Anchor will justify it. Or the Anchor will block it out mentally, go in denial, and continue enabling.
Anchors are victims; they play mental tricks on themselves to keep from hurting and from facing what is happening to them. It’s a puzzling thing to watch, but I’ve seen it so many times I can’t count them.
Rarely—and I mean very rarely—does an Anchor ever slow down from enabling the parasite(s) latched onto them. If they do slow down it’s because the parasite is in prison or perhaps rehab, or they can’t get hold of any money to enable them.
The reasons certainly vary. Commonly, Anchors are insecure people who feel as though they have to buy the love of the parasite, who is usually a family member, but by no means always. It can and often is a mate, lover, or boyfriend/girlfriend Anchors enable.
Some Anchors also have savior complexes. If they do they’ll be enabling more than one parasite. Some have martyr complexes. Some just plain out get addicted to enabling and are unable to stop. Others are afraid of the parasite, and simply cannot say no to it. Or, it may be all of the above and, possibly other things going on inside them that we don’t yet know about.
There is a theory out there that that Anchors have addictive personalities and that they can be treated as addicts themselves. I can easily squelch that one in an instant, because out of the many I’ve known, only one has had an addictive personality. Not one of the others has had one, single sign of an addictive personality.
Let’s define a parasite as creature who is seemingly human, but does not have normal human reactions to emotional situations and relationships. Parasites take, take, take, and they only give up a little if they think they’re going to get a lot more back. After years of parasiting off an Anchor, they don’t even have the ability to give anything at anytime for any reason. They only take!
Parasites don’t give love; they don’t give support. They love only themselves and think only of themselves. They don’t do anything unless it’s to get something for themselves, usually alcohol, drugs, or to feed a gambling habit. Or, sometimes it’s some type of deviant sexual lust.
I have so many examples of Anchors you would not believe them all. The most amazing one is now in her 80s and on her death bed, and has enabled a total of 22 children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren never to work and to be drug addicts all their lives. One of those is dead from an overdose. The one exception is a great grandchild who is only 15, but is spoiled to such a stinking rotten degree that no good can possibly come of her.
I’ve known this woman for over 40-years, and she’s been at it ever since I’ve known her. El and I have talked to her, at least back in the 1970s, her sisters have talked to her, and so did her mother while she was alive. She’s never slowed down enabling the lot of them for one second! Her husband has plenty of money, and she’s been badgering it out of him since they’ve been together to enable the rotten brats she’s produced to stay high and not work. He is definitely a co-enabler, and in some cases an Anchor himself.
Usually women enable boys and men girls, but in her case, she has ruined both males and females, though her sons (now in their 50s) are the worst of the lot. One has never had any kind of a job, and has been an addict since he was in his twenties.
The other son she put through rehab 11 times (back when it cost a ton to go). She put him in business 7 times and never drew back a cent. (Which is what is going to happen if you put any of your family—especially children—into business. That is as finite a rule as there is a God in the Upper-Levels!) She’s bought him 12 trucks over his lifetime, and he’s torn every one of them up—doped up out driving them. He is mainly a heroin addict, but will take anything that gets him drunk to the point he can’t walk. He is now totally disabled from breaking a needle off in his arm, after which he got Mercer, and had several operations to stop the infection. He is in a wheelchair, has lost 70-pounds, and several inches in height. She’s still enabling him!
She has crack addicts and meth addicts among the batch. They’ve broken into her house and stolen valuables when she couldn’t get to her husband’s money. They’ve robbed him and had him robbed. They’ve robbed friends and family members. She excuses those acts in one way or the other. It’s never their fault. She continues enabling them without so much as missing a breath in between handouts.
On her death bed, her husband tells me she’s been calling her brats in one at the time to tell them how they can get money after she’s dead. She’s tried to have several new wills done that her husband doesn’t know about to give them all she can without his knowing about it. Thankfully, he found out about each one, and has gotten them stopped.
Two of the brats are in jail right now, one is in prison, one has to go to court in a few weeks for charges that ought to send him away for a while. Yet, all she can think of every day is whether her husband has sent them any money for the week and whether he’s paid the lawyer enough money to keep the one going to court out of prison.
They line up every day to get money. As soon as they get it, they run out the door as if someone had hit them in the ass with a lit blowtorch.
The few times her husband has held back money from her to give to them, they tell her how much they hate her, and/or how much they know she hates them—that she doesn’t care about the poor little things.
These are classic manipulation tactics used by parasitic brats latched onto an Anchor.
The classic move for an Anchor is to respond in kind to these tactics, which the brats continue using over and over. Over a period of practiced years (from the time they are babies in the crib), some parasites can become Master Manipulators, and will use a series of tactics to manipulate their host into giving them their way. Their hosts are generally oblivious of any tactical stratagems, and if they are true Anchors, even if they find out about them, it won’t make a hound’s hair worth of difference. They continue enabling.
What Anchors can never understand is that no matter what they do for the parasite(s) they’re hosting, that parasite will never love them. Parasites resent having to go to their Anchors for money and sustenance, and the longer they are hooked onto one Anchor, the more they resent them. Some parasites move on and find new Anchors, but they remain parasites, and they have the same feeling for each and every Anchor: pure resentment!
Anybody can be an Anchor. El had an aunt who adopted a girl in 1960. Her name was Gene, and El used to babysit her. She and another aunt, neither of whom had any children of their own, would almost come to blows over who was going to enable the child the most. When Gene walked in the room, both of these women’s entire demeanors changed. They ignored everyone else. They forgot the subject of conversation. They were as someone once said, as if they were “suddenly put in an altered state.”
I’ve seen this plenty of times myself. It’s as if God walked in the room it’s such an astounding change in these poor folks, who are, let me tell you, to be pitied themselves, because they are never happy people. Anchors are truly sad cases. They often ruin their marriages, their familial relationships, their relationship with friends, and their own lives to enable a worthless creature who cares not one lick about them to have their way.
I’ve seen Anchors walk around in rags while the parasite dressed like Zsa Zsa Gabor. I’ve seen them drive ten-year-old cars while the parasite was riding around in a new Corvette. I’ve even seen parasites living in houses that their Anchors bought for them and were worth twice as much as the Anchors’ were.
Gene was in trouble from the time she was 16, and as long as they could they bought her out of it. She got a new Mustang, when her main Anchor was still driving a `65 Chevrolet. She became a drug addict, had three children by three different boys, and eventually latched onto both of El’s aunts, both of whom definitely had the traits of an Anchor, one being the main Anchor, the other a sub-Anchor.
The one who adopted her, her husband died, and that aunt went broke enabling the little psycho. The other aunt’s husband outlived her, and he put a stop to the enabling on his side, and he never saw the girl again. He says she got over $200,000 out of them, and these are not rich people. The aunt who adopted her got beyond the ability to care for herself and put the psycho in charge of her SS check “so she would have enough to feed herself.” What else? The rest was to go to the aunt, who of course never saw the first cent, until the brat finally got convicted of committing a federal crime and is now in a federal prison on a long stretch. That was enough to kill the Anchor, and she died soon after the sentencing.
Another Anchor who was my dad’s first cousin enabled until she died her only son who had all the traits of a psychopath, and afterwards made sure he got money from an insurance policy she took out after she went broke enabling him.
These folks were fairly well off, the father having died in 1974 and leaving the son $1.5-million, which he blew in a few years drinking, taking pills, and gambling. He then started on the money his mother had. She turned everything over to the bastard, after he told her (in typical psycho fashion) a thousand tales blaming everybody in the world for “stealing” the money he had inherited. He lost that very quickly and borrowed money on his mother’s house, which he also lost. When they came to repossess the house his mother had no idea what was happening or that it was going to happen. The psychopath put her in a home, got her to sign her SS check over to him, and he never went to see her while she was in the home. Neither would he pay for her funeral. He overdosed and died a few months later, broke, living in a sleazy pay-by-the-week motel.
My dad was her banker, and she had an account with him that she kept hidden from her husband so she could enable her brat. Dad would make her come to the house before he would give her any money that he knew she was going to use to pay her son out of trouble.
I watched him beg and plead with her to stop paying him out of trouble (he was writing bad checks when he was 15), telling her that letting him get the punishment he deserved was the only way to get her boy straightened out. She would promise, shake her head yes, and say, I know, I know, yet a short while later, she’d be right back getting more money to pay him out of something else. Or to buy him a new car—or just about whatever he wanted. But truly, all he wanted to do was gamble, drink, and take drugs. Like most psychopaths, he didn’t give one hoot about money; it was only a tool to appease his lust to get high and gamble.
Anchors have as many excuses for enabling as psychopaths do when they get caught stealing. The typical ones are these: “Everybody else is doing it!” “What else can I do?” “What is he going to do if I don’t help him?” “People just don’t know what it’s like having a child in need of help.” “I can’t just let her starve!” “I just can’t be that mean not to help him when he needs help!” “I can’t just sit by and not try to get my baby out of trouble.” “I’m all she has! Who else can she go to?” “This is the last time I’m going to help him, and then he’s on his own.”
The excuses go on, and are as long as an Anchor’s imagination can stretch.
I’ve seen mates stop Anchors from being able to get to the family funds. The Anchors would sell something to give to the parasite. Or, they would sneak around and borrow money to give to them.
I’ve seen them attend Al-anon meetings for months and claim they realize what they have been doing is detrimental to the person they’ve been enabling, yet before long they’re right back at it. Al-anon for those of you who do not know is an outfit for families of drug addicts and alcoholics, to help them deal with those family members and to get them to face and understand what they are doing when they enable them.
Another thing (aside from degrees of psychopathy) that keeps some psychopaths out of the pokey is a powerful Anchor. The late creature I have mentioned that they call the Monster, who worked this area for over thirty-years, never went to prison, because he had a powerful, wealthy Anchor who helped keep him out. These people had money, and could afford most anything. The Monster was having plastic surgeries back in the `50s when most of us had never heard of such a thing. She had his nose done; she had his ears pinned back. They called him Bugs when he was little because of his bucked teeth, and she had them fixed.
His Anchor paid off the plaintiffs when he was sued for allegedly having sex with an under-aged boy. He robbed the family business where he showed up every day (he didn’t actually work; he just went in the office and connived on the phone all day) of over $40,000 in the 1960s, and she not only paid it back to the company, but argued until his uncle gave in and put him back on the payroll. The list of what his Anchor (who was his mother) did to keep him out of prison is endless. He is dead; she is still living, in her 90s, and would still be enabling him were he alive.
She ruined her relationship with her daughter and other son enabling the Monster, and her relationship with her husband remained strained until he died. The daughter and other son moved away because of the trouble the Monster caused within the family. For those of you who may have forgotten, the Monster was what we call an Emotional Psychopath, who hunt vulnerable women for the purpose of torturing them emotionally. The Monster was a Master Manipulator, and a master at appeasing his lust to torture women emotionally.
The Monster left notes, which I have read. He put over 100-women in a psychopathic trance over a 30-year period, along with several young boys. (Psychopaths don’t often differentiate between the sexes. This type never does.) He thought of himself as the Master and they his slaves. He owned them once he had them in his trance, and he never let go of them, though he moved on to fresher prey after a period of torturing them.
He was always hunting new prey! He hung around bars looking for freshly divorced women or ones that had just broken up with someone. Any type of woman who was vulnerable he would attempt to pounce on. He liked going to perfume stands in the mall, and eventually joined a liberal church and became a counsellor in an effort to find new prey. He coached junior ball, looking for fresh, young prey.
Even after the Monster dumped his victims for a while—he would call them in an attempt to break up new relationships, which he often did. This he enjoyed. He hired private detectives to keep up with what his “slaves” were doing and where they were. He wrote that the ones who resisted him the most were the ones that gave him the greatest pleasure. The more difficult it was to bring about surrender, the greater the pleasure he had. (Triple sicko!!) That’s what kind of beast his mother, the Anchor, enabled all his life.
If you know the person you suspect of being psychopathic has an Anchor, you should take that into account, because if there is an Anchor present in their lives, that is more reason to get away from someone you suspect of being a psychopath, because they are forever protected as long as that Anchor has breath in them. Dump and run!!
Sorry, folks!! Anchors never change. As the host of a powerful parasite, they enable it to live and function until the day they do not! And as noted above, often they’re enabling the creature after they die.
So Red, there is nothing you can do for your aunt (or her nephew) if you have tagged her correctly. I wish there were, but so far there is no cure for psychopathy or for an Anchor who is enabling them.
I remain for the safety of our folks: Ruddy