EX Matters


For a full decade of my life, I used to be (also) a divorce lawyer. Love is not enough to keep a marriage. Well, yes, from a material perspective. Yet living life teaches us another thing, that love is all you need. That British spectacled guy got it right. Logically speaking, all you need and not enough meets the necessary and fails short of the sufficient. This leaves too many doors open.

What is love actually? Everyone will come up with a different answer. The more opinionated ones are most likely fabricated by highly organized religious or ideological systems. None works. Because a marriage is not a church, nor a state, nor a military unit. A marriage is an experience. Should I dare say an experiment?

Modern and so inventive guys have proposed to stamp an expiry date on marriage. Like you’ve gotta check your car every number of years. Men’s thinking. A woman is not a car. The institution of marriage intermingles with property law to such intimate levels that adding an expiry date to marriage would require a complete overhaul of how we understand property, heritage, money. The end of marriage as we had known it (I’m afraid it already belongs to the past perfect) means the end of the Western Judeo-Christian society. Marx and Trotsky rejoice.

You can’t enforce love. Especially when no one knows what love is. Emotions and whims, desires and pheromones are powerful enough in leading mind and body to have sexual relations with other minds and bodies. The forces involved in this process originate way above our heads, literally. No man and no woman is capable to craft an elegant way out of this snare. The average individual cannot regulate sex. This is why patriarchal societies converged into Leviticus – sanctioning polygyny into law. This is why initial Christian assemblies would be regarded as ‘feminist’ when promoting monogamy as the new law for marriage. This is why modern secular feminism has taken monogamy a step further, out to polygamy.

Be not deceived, there is a watcher, from above, for every social movement (or behavior) that lasts. And sex is one of the strongest motivators, even when apparently repressed. In fact, it is the expression of sexuality which is regulated. A lever for power and control over the collective. Because for the elites there are no rules, no restrictions. Never were.

The constant of history on planet earth is the master-slave relationship. Calling it a master-slave dialectic would only draw the discourse inside the Hegelian box of thought. I don’t wish to enter a box, any box. Let us indulge with some contextual peeks.

Abrahamic Ishmaelites, cousins of their Israelite masters, managed to erode the geographic and social barriers until the point of no distinction. How did they accomplish this feat? By their daughters. Earlier slaves, then concubines, later wives, the women had successfully infiltrated the establishment.

African chiefs sold their countless children to Portuguese traders, for a musquet and a handful of glass beans. Becoming the slaves of the New World, these children climbed a mountain, generation after generation, switching from private property to state protectorate and, eventually, by their own wits, earning their own freedom. Earned freedom is more pricey than inherited one.

What is freedom then? A thing terribly close to love. It’s about having your way, no matter what. Still, you cannot be free and alone, you cannot be in love and lonely. Both freedom and love break the bonds of history on this planet – where the master-slave dialectic implies control. On the other hand, genuine freedom and true love (not the slogans) ignore control altogether. The inherent need for watchers dies away.

In what we still use to call reality, this sounds like pure utopia. As was Einstein about the physics, Machiavelli was right about the politics: no fear, no rule. Thus works the fallen universe: no love and no freedom.

If this is the world we’ve been given to live in, why would we have absurd (by consequence) expectations from marriage? For the pertinent reason that marriage is a world in itself. Marriage is more than the world out there. Marriage is the precursor of another rare word: Family.

Family is what brings freedom and love together, as acting forces through this world.

Family is the crew of a ship sailing the seas. Above, below and beyond.

And what is that that keeps a family together? Fear? Control? Aren’t these the same ingredients for the makeup of society? Where appearances are saved by customs and taboos, by control and fear. By secrets. The state secret is part of the game, like taxes and death. Freedom and love?, two alien concepts there.

I was supposed to write a review for Kristina Gallo’s ‘Get Over Your Ex’ ebook and here I am, rambling on the never ending plains. Well, what Kristina tries to tell you in her book is exactly this: try to be a family! No control, no fear, no secrets. No hidden agendas.

Back to sex. Talking about how many slices of pizza you’ve been eating at that party? Do you feel any shame, or regrets? Maybe some abdominal cramps. Treat sex like pizza when socializing, rather than doing it in secret. Get sex out of the dark corners of your psyche. Put it on the table and allow the light of the day to be your judge. Deconstructing taboos and dismantling secrets is the paradigm breaker.

There will always be some secret agenda, a higher intelligence eager to take advantage of mediocrity, an abuser dreaming to master the stage. An impostor. There’s no cure to this perversion. Because there is no perversion greater than the craving for power. Pride is the absolute perversion. Pride controls power based on secrecy.

Back to family now. Giving up secrets, you find the right way to stay friends, or family, even with your ex. If that nullifies the notion of ‘ex’ — which it definitely does — that’s another matter for another day.

Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash

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